Draco VS Dudley - The Battle of the Bullies
by DracoLover
Summary: PG13 for the cusses and everything violent and stuff...You just wanna wonder what these two do to be no. 1 in Harry's list of bullies


Draco VS Dudley – Battle of the Bullies

Disclaimer: You know the drill… just don't sue me…

Author's Note: Hm… Draco… Dudley… Draco… Dudley… There's no pairing here!!! I'm not that insane to make Draco-dono fall in love with… (eww) Dudley… Oh, do forgive me for interrupting their conversations… you know, the one's with the +…+

~^.^~ Gasping noises and heavy breathing ~^.^~

Draco:         You fat ass of a nimrod!  
Dudley:        Look who's talking!

Draco:         Fuck you! I'm not fat! You low-down scoundrel of an enemy-stealer!

Dudley:        I was the first enemy of Rotter you faggot!

~^.^~ Cursing noises and screaming ~^.^~

It all started one day when Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, sent a letter to each of his worst enemies—Draco Malfoy and his very own cousin, Dudley Dursley.

Harry did not realize that his letter was so downright enraging that his archenemies would take the blackmails and taunts personally.

+Ehe… don't blame me…+

So anyway, these were the short little notes/letters sent to the two dunderheads.

+Don't ask how the hell Harry knew Draco's address… *.* +

_To Draco Malfoy,_

_Don't ask how the hell I found out your address since I'll explain it anywho… _+Yes, anywho…+ _Look, I know you have a damn crush on me so don't bother sending me cursed items from your wonderfully creepy home/ house/ dungeon for a home!_

_I swear I'll tell everyone in the school about your little 'secret'! And yes, this is a threat._

_So what I want from you is: No, not a night with me under the moonlit skies with dildos and chocolate coating my precious, beautiful self.  I want you +_Mention, 'I WANT you+ _to battle against my grimy pig of a cousin to see who's the better bully forf me._

_Just don't ask questions or I swear on my fairly shaped butt, I'll tell the whole world about your 'secret'!_

_Signed,_

_Harry Potter_

+Ehe… *.* totally cliché actually… so corny… I hate corn… =P +

And to Harry's surprise (if he ever knew what Draco did afterwards), the poor—or rich—blonde boy kissed the paper then went over to a torch and burned it to ashes… He knew he had to do the stupid task of killing another fat bastard, but hey, at least he'd see Harry… hopefully…

+That's right… stare… go on…+

_To Dudley,_

_Hullo there oh cousin of mine!  No, I'm not going to hex you with this letter but it's what you call Blackmail.  I'm sure you know what it is… I think… you better because I'm going to make the consequence of this task I'm going to threaten you with worse if you ask me what the hell blackmail is.  Stupid ass that you are, I'm sorry… I'm sorry that you're a stupid ass… stupid ass… stupid ass… stupid ass… STUPID ASS…_

_Anyway… If you don't bother with this and tell Vernon (that old geezer and freakin' son of a *****) or even Petunia (that whore's pug), you'll get into triple trouble with me! I'll put a real curse on you to make you snort like a pig—even worse than what you're doing right now—and don't you dare laugh because I learned things in MY school.  Loser._

_Don't you come to me since I'm in Ron's house.  You'll be dead if you dare come here.  This place is full of MY kind, not YOURS and humans alike.  So don't you even dare run away crying with this paper in your hand because if anything gets out, I'll turn you into a cricket and roast you but not so much that you're dead.  Afterwards, I'll put you in fish lard—mind you, there's some codfish here—and roast you again then I'll put you in Vernon's dish, saying it's a delicacy of the French.  Ha! I bet you're crying! Stupid, stupid ass!!_

_Anywho… you're going to be picked up by us to battle—yes, battle, dearest cousin from hell—my worst enemy in MY school.  He knows a lot of Dark Arts and will most probably kill you.  You'll have to pull out every prank and trick you've got! HAHA!_

_Signed,_

_Harry Potter_

_PS We'll get you, Dudley… wait for the Full Moon! HAHAHA!_

+Yes, it's hard to understand… I captured Harry's essence… essence of mendacity…+

Dudley's reaction was… he squeaked and snorted—like a pig—and started to run but then stopped when he felt a tingling on his butt's ugly hole.

"EEP!" he screamed frantically while chasing his little curly pigtail about.

+Mention, when the letter came, Full Moon WAS that day… *snigger*+

That evening…

Dudley: What the hell?!  
~^.^~Grumbling noises outside window~^.^~

Dudley:        Da—

Some person: Oh no you don't, Dudley-kins!

~^.^~A redheaded boy stepped into the open window and a onyx-haired boy with sparkling green eyes stepped in.  Both were grinning~^.^~

Dudley:        H—Ha—Harry!

Ron:            Shut up, Dursley Junior.  Let's go now or we'll finish the job of turning you into a pig.

Harry:          Time's a tickin, Dudley!

~^.^~Harry winks at Ron~^.^~

Dudley:        Gods…

Harry:          LORDS! You believe in gods?!

~^.^~Gasp~^.^~

Ron:            That is SOOOO weird of you…

Dudley:        Not multiple! DUH! There are no other gods but the One god and He—

~^.^~Ron hits Dudley squarely with his broom~^.^~

Ron:            Take the feet, Harry.

Harry:          No!

Ron:            I knocked him out!

~^.^~Grumble~^.^~

Harry:          Fine…

~^.^~Harry pulls up Dudley's feet onto the canopy net thingy in between his and Ron's broom~^.^~

On a hill, far away from the village where Ron lived…

Harry:          Here you go, Dudders!

~^.^~Harry hands poor sniveling boy a stick +Fake wand by Fred and George©+~^.^~

Dudley:        Have you gone mad?!

Harry:          Dudley, this is WAND. You use WAND. You idiot.

Dudley:        Why I oughtta!

~^.^~Harry blinks his eyes innocently~^.^~

Harry:          Oughtta what?

~^.^~Dudley grumbles~^.^~

Harry:          Yes?

~^.^~Dudley grumbles~^.^~

Harry:          Spit it out, dearest cousin from hell.

~^.^~Dudley spits on the ground~^.^~

Ron:            Eww!!! That's so disgusting!!

Harry:          What can you expect?

Ron:            I thought he'd barf…

~^.^~Ron walks off, disappointed~^.^~

Harry:          You say something, something appears.

Dudley:        So if I command it to—

~^.^~Harry hits Dudley on his head~^.^~

Dudley:        **WTF**?!

Harry:          You don't command.  I do that.  Ron and I do that. Stupid!

~^.^~BONK~^.^~

Dudley:        DAMNIT!

~^.^~PLOINK PLOINK BLONK BONK~^.^~

~^.^~Dudley grumbles off with several lumps left on his head~^.^~

~^.^~Harry strokes his broom tenderly…~^.^~

Harry:          There, there, my preciousss… that horrible thing won't hit you again…

Ron:            OK! Your wands out, make your eyes bulge and red, snarl and have foam your mouth a bit, be aggressive, be vicious! Be carnivorous! Be—

Draco:         Oh shut up Red!

Ron:            Harry… what was that secret?

Harry:          Oh… _that_ little thing?

~^.^~Harry winks at Ron~^.^~

Draco:         FINE!

Ron:            Fine! Draco, grip your wand like there's no tomorrow! Dudders, oink a bit, will you?

Dudley: What?!

Ron:            Oink. DUH.  Like a pig.

Harry:          It should be easy, right?

~^.^~Dudley oinks weakly~^.^~

~^.^~Harry and Ron _and_ Draco muffle their sniggers~^.^~

Dudley: _Damn you…_

Ron:            OK! Ready,

Harry:          Get set,

Ron and Harry:  FIGHT!!

~^.^~Crash. Bang. Toink. Poof. Whoosh. Oink. Grunt. ~^.^~

Ron:            Interesting way they fight…

Harry:          Yep…

Draco forced little squids up into Dudley's fat and big nose.

Dudley poked Draco's eye with his wand and tried a 'spell'.

Dudley:        EYOISDISAPPEARAS!

~^.^~Whoosh…~^.^~

Dudley:        Eh?!

~^.^~BANG~^.^~

Draco:         Stupid fool.

Dudley:        Oh no you don't!

Dudley shoves the sharp end of his 'wand' up… err…

~^.^~YELP. SCREAM. CURSE. ~^.^~

Draco:         YEEOOOOOOOOCHHHHHHHHHHH!

Dudley:        HAHA!

Draco:         DAMN YOU FAT ASS BASTARD!

~^.^~BAAAAAANGGGGGGGGG. SQUISH. ~^.^~

Draco steps on the tiny charred tail of Dudley.

Dudley:        AHHHHHHHHH!! SQUEEEEEEAAAAAAAAK! OIIIIIIIIIINKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

~^.^~Draco laughs evilly while letting the little tail into the soft soil~^.^~

Dudley:        AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Draco:         MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And yes, I laugh the best.

+Hey! Draco-dono… I laugh the best too… o.O +

Draco:         Like I told you earlier, I AM THE BEST BULLY THERE IS.

Dudley pauses and stares blankly at Draco who stopped squishing his tail.

Dudley breaks out in laughter.

Draco glares coldly at the fat boy.

Draco:         How dare you mock my superiority!!

~^.^~Bang. ~^.^~

Dudley still laughs after his recovery from the tickling charm.

+DOI… TICKLING charm… ^^ +

Dudley:        Excuuuuuuse me, Mr. 'I'm so perfectly stupid!'

Draco:         Excuse me?

Draco raises an eyebrow.

Dudley:        I am the best bully.

Draco:         FUCK YOU! I am the best bully!

Dudley:        Go to hell wiener!

Draco:         I'll meet you there!

Dudley:        FINE! I'll shove this up your tight little ass again!

Dudley gets up but Draco kicks him in his face.

~^.^~Drip, drip…~^.^~

Dudley:        DAMN YOU!!! My pretty nose!!

~^.^~Crack~^.^~

Draco:         MY pretty nose!!!!

~^.^~Bang~^.^~

Dudley:        ARGHHHH!!!

~^.^~Clonk~^.^~

Draco:         HEYYYY!!

Ron:            Hm…

Harry:          Hmmm…

Dudley:        How dare YOU destroy my beautiful features!

Draco:         Ha! Beautiful?! MWAHAHA! A bulldog looks better than your _beautiful_ features!

Dudley:        How dare YOUUUUU!!!

~^.^~BLAG~^.^~

Draco:         FUDGE!!

~^.^~Pause~^.^~

Dudley:        Fudge?

Ron:            Fudge?

Harry:          Fudge?

+Fudge… yummy!+

Audience:    Fudge?!

Draco: What?

Ron:            Get on with the bloody fight!

Harry:          Yeah!

~^.^~Shrug~^.^~

Draco:         I.  Am.  The.  Best.  Bully.  For.  Potter!!!

Dudley:        No.  You're.  Not!!!!!!!

Draco:         Then I'll have to eliminate you though I know it's a lie that you're better than me!

Dudley:        What?

Harry:          Oi, Draco, Dudder's can't understand anything with more than 8 words.

Draco:         I can see…

~^.^~Evil laugh~^.^~

~^.^~Dudley blushes then hits Draco on the head with his wand~^.^~

  
Draco:         My HAIR!!

Dudley:        Haha.

Draco:         ARGHHHH!!

~^.^~Crash~^.^~

Draco:         I AM THE BEST AND THAT'S FINAL!!

Dudley:        You're final fantasy!

+Hm… Final Fantasy… ^^ +

Draco:         C O R N Y!

Dudley:        You are!

Draco:         Heh!

Dudley:        I knew Harry longer than you did, blonde bozo!

Draco:         Bozo?

Dudley:        Nevermind!

Draco:         He hates me more.

Dudley:        How can you be so sure!

Draco:         Because he must love you for keeping him thin.

Dudley:        What?

Draco:         Hay… He. Loves. You. 'Cause. He's. Still. Thin.

Dudley:        Ohhh…

Draco:         Right…

Dudley:        So? You're jealous?

~^.^~Furious hidden blushing~^.^~

Draco:         No.

~^.^~Smirks in the background~^.^~

+Poor Draco-dono… can't admit…+

Draco:         SHADDAP!

~^.^~Dudley gasps~^.^~

Dudley:        Ew…

Draco:         GRR!!

~^.^~Bang. ~^.^~

Draco:         !@#$%@#^$#&#%^*^&($^(^)%#@$^@$&#%^*

Dudley:        ??

Draco:         It's a fic.  I can't say it all out loud. DUH.

Dudley:        ???

Draco:         NEVER YOU MIND.

Dudley:        ??????

Draco:         Ugh…

Ron:            Hmph! This is getting a bit dull…

Harry:          Heh… watch this!

~^.^~Harry crosses his fingers and starts making fangirl nioses~^.^~

~^.^~Two fighters stop and stare~^.^~

Harry:          OHHH!! DRAKKIE!!! You're soooooo handsome!!! GO ON!! Overpower that loser, Dudders!!

Draco:         **OMG**

Harry:          AHHHH!!! Draco!!!! You drive me so WILD!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!

Draco:         The hell?

Harry:          AHHHHHHHHH!!! Ron, I can't take it!! He's too hot!!!! I just want to… to… do IT now!!!

~^.^~Ron is suppressing his chuckles~^.^~

Draco:         _Lords of the heavens…_

Dudley:        I always thought he was gay… but I didn't know it was true!

Draco:         _**sigh** he LOVES me!!!_

+No Draco!!! You fell into it!!!+

Draco:         Harry…

Harry:          Draco…

Draco:         Harry…

Harry:          Draco…

Draco:         Harry…

Harry:          Draco…

+OOO!!! 0.0 pa—ttur—nees!+

Draco:         Harry…

Harry:          Draco…

+OK, imagine Miaka + Tamahome…+

Ron:            Oh quit it!

Dudley:        Disgusting…

Harry:          Heh! Just kidding about that.  It was a prank, Draco.  You can stop rubbing my arm.

Draco:         What?!

Harry:          Prank. Kidding. Stop rubbing arm.

~^.^~Draco nearly faints but stares instead~^.^~

Draco:         DAMN YOU!!!

Ron:            Ehem… so getting back… who's the winner?

Draco:         Me!

Dudley:        Me! I'm not a homo!

Draco:         FUCK YOU! So what if I love your cousin?! **oops…**

Dudley faints.

Ron faints.

Harry stares blankly then hands 10 galleons to Dudley who was still unconscious.

Draco has his mouth open in shock.

+Nyaha… Meow, meow, meow, meow!!+

Harry:          What?

Draco:         Don't I have some consolation prize?

~^.^~Gulp~^.^~

Harry:          W—what kind of consolation prize? 5 galleons?

Draco:         Noooo…

~^.^~Gulp… gracious gods on high…~^.^~

Harry:          T—then what?

~^.^~Blush~^.^~

Draco:         Hm… a night with me and you by ourselves, under the moonlit sky; a nice deep bucket of melted chocolate on my right and a box of dildos on my left…

Harry:          Erp…

Draco:         Was that a 'yes?'

Harry:          No comment…

Draco:         Hm…

+I wonder myself what happened next… ^.^ +

FINI.


End file.
